Rough day yesterday. Started with me sitting outside meeting in car for 30 fucking minutes arguing with my wife over text messages. Brilliant. Very productive. Said nobody…ever.
It sucked. I was angry. Defensive. Barely remember the trigger other than something I said the night before making my wife think I was being an asshole. Something stupid. Misunderstanding. Shit. Who knows, maybe I was a dick without knowing it. But in any case it dragged to the next morning for dumb reasons. Then the nails came out. Horrible things said to me. Years of anger loaded into a few piercing bullets and it sucked.
For the first time in 2 weeks I didn’t want to go into my meeting. The anger and shit I was feeling consumed me. I realized that the feelings I was feeling yesterday morning are the very feelings that make me want to run away and hide. Shut down. Do something to clear my mind. Drink. And that was weird. How something so quick can be so intense. Make me feel shit again. Crazy. I then walked into the 2nd half of the meeting and joined a group and shared and talked about how pissed off I was. I left the meeting feeling a little better. Then found an apology on my phone from my wife when I got back into my car.
Point is I was aware. I realized what was happening and did something a little different. Not earth shattering…but something. And I need to realize that at least.
Today is better. Feel good. Ready to let go on step 3 after listening to a good chapter from BB on way into office and I think I’m good. I’m OK letting go and am now telling myself I am. Weird for me but whatever. Worth it and I know I want it.
Leave for out of town Sunday. Sort of freaking out about that but I think I’m ok with it. Going to try to do online meetings every day and take it one day at a time.
Another day another step in the right direction of realization of myself and where I’m at. Rock on.