2 Months Strong

Depressed about not getting a position I thought I was a shoe-in for…after 4 interviews and a perfect fit…but must not have been meant to be. Blah. But happy for a 2 month anniversary and still going strong. Can only complain a little I guess. Fuck them. Their loss lol.

I’ll leave you with my current view. 😀

Fuck this Funk

So sick of being in a funk the last few weeks. Fucking sucks. From work to home to kids to friends to relatives. Blah. Wtf. Just feel like I’ve been in a haze for 2-3 weeks and my brain is 50% off in space thinking about all the shit going on. It’s making me nuts and it’s showing. I’ve had numerous people asking “what’s wrong” and i just want to say fuck off lol.  

Weird. Zero urge to drink which is great. Just want to be in a better mood. Can’t figure it out. Think it’s just stress with job changes and unsure of future and waiting on new opportunity…stuff. Dunno.

Fell off no carb wagon though which has me a little concerned because I like fell head first off and devoured the carbs this weekend like they were life saving lol. But back on today so we’lol see. I’ve been so good but only half way to the weight I wanna lose so I’ll hopefully get back on track.

Pointless post bitching about the funk I’m in but if you have an issue with that fuck you lmao.

Long Road Ahead…

Sometimes this road feels reeaaalllyyyyy fuuuucccckkkkiiiinnngggg long. After a long week of meeting with the new company taking ours over…that is very obvious. They don’t want our people. They want our market share. Sitting with the group of upper management after meeting with the new company for a day was eye-opening. All look like we’ve been deflated. And how sad. Such an amazing talented group. The amount of effort we’ve put in and the large number of things we’ve accomplished in the last 3 years is amazing. And for what. So our lazy CEO can make his millions and bail out because everyone has lost complete faith in him? How is that possible. How is it that the most talented people that have turned this company around are the ones that now sit in wonder about their next steps? It’s bullshit. It makes no sense and it makes me very angry.

These are friends. Strong leaders. Amazing people. The ones that all ‘run’ this company and try and keep the CEO out of the spotlight so he doesn’t do anything stupid. It’s humorous. I’d love to take this group and start a successful company, because I know we could. But nobody has the funds and wants to take the risk. It’s tough when you’re middle-aged with kids and some are single income like me. Taking a crazy risk…while very intriguing…is just too damn risky. I’m glad I have a new opportunity that fell into my lap a few weeks ago, but I’d love to continue with this group if I could. I have so much faith in them and have seen what we have accomplished. It sucks.

Onto the drinking…blah. Well, still ‘fine’ lol. Still sober. Still haven’t had a drink. But I have to say that being around friends and family as well as some very old friends from high school during this 4th of July was tough. Friends I would normally always enjoy a bunch of beers with and hang out. Seeing me sip my seltzer water and Diet Pepsi. My one buddy was like “you not drinking now” and I mumbled something like “no, not right now, watching what I’m eating and not drinking”…and it was fine. But I’m sure was interesting for him to see. But whatever. My bro-in-law had some nice things to say to me when I had some time with him alone. He just said he was proud of me and I appreciate it. Felt sort of strange in a way talking to him about it, but I appreciated he made the effort.

This vacation for the 4th with my family was one that really sort of hit home. Just made me realize again how long a road I have in front of me. I’m ok with it but fuck. Sometimes it’s just something that hits you in the face with a huge slap. I’m 45. I have 1/2 my life left…and it will be a life without ever sipping an amazing taste of a new odd micro-brew, enjoying some crazy ass tequila my father bought with a nice cigar, a fun concoction to sip while floating in the pool. Ugh. It sucks. And I say that not as the crazy addict, I say it out of my love of the flavors. I have 2 sides of my drinking. There is the stupid fuck that says oh boy, everyone is asleep, let’s start a movie and see how much vodka I can drink…then there’s the side that says omg i love sipping amazing tequila because I love the flavor, a single barrel scotch ugh, or trying all sorts of different hoppy beers because I love trying the different tastes…that’s what sucks. Why on earth I can’t fucking have 1 and not the other! Fuck me. It’s depressing and just pisses me off. I miss that side but not the other. But I know I cannot seem to have 1 WITHOUT the other creeping back into my life. Stupid fucking turd. I suck. My brain sucks.

Sort of excited to get back home from vacation from the 4th and figure out next steps and reality with work and my future. Scary and stressful but I want to know. My fear right now is I will have to make a decision on the new opportunity before knowing for sure what my future at the job I love is. While it looks very grim right now with the new take-over…part of me is scared shitless something could change, perhaps they will keep my boss/CIO around and he WILL be able to make some changes and we ‘do’ have a future for growing with this new company. But all signs right now point to no. They are all about bottom line, do not want to do ANYTHING that costs money and they don’t want to invest in the technology. If they don’t want to invest in the technology then I’m done. It feels like 2.5 years ago when I started here. They were in “keep the wheels barely on and make money” mode…fuck that. It’s useless to me. I just don’t see a CEO of a US publicly traded company changing his ways. No way. And my boss is overly optimistic…but I cannot get there. And I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

We’ll see…here’s a representation of the long road ahead…I took it yesterday while walking the dogs 🙂

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