Quiet but OK


Well. I’ve been a turd and very quiet and told myself I wouldn’t do that on my journal. But I’ve been busy as fuck. Jobless looking for work is stressful and a more than full time job. I’m happy to say that after only about 5 weeks I landed one. Woohoo! And at my level (not to sound like a complete fucking lamo…but seriously) this can be a very long process. I networked and did everything possible this time and I have to say that being sober this time helps a wee bit to say the least.

Psyched as hell with new company. New market space outside of healthcare and a small growing profitable company who want me to build up a complete new team. Should be a blast and I love everyone I’ve met so far. Start Monday and cannot wait. Beginning with 12 hours of leadership meetings and presenting on my first day lmao. Should be fun. No pressure lol.

Coming up on 4 months. Feeling good overall. No urges to drink at all which is so cool. Marriage rocky but hot and cold. Some great days some horrible days. I’m moody as fuck and cannot seem to work around that. Think no carb diet is adding fuel to an already blazing fire…not sure. Bit my sons head off yesterday and need to settle the fuck down, he’s such a sweet little dude. Over something g stupid to and I need to fix that shit.

After 15 years of wanting a particular make and model of car…I finally had my true mid life crisis and bought it lol. Had a few bucks from severance and overlapping salaries and found an incredible deal so I said fuck it. 9 year old car with only 30k miles on it and mint condition. I had to just say the hell with it. And it’s fun as hell and I’m glad I did lol. 420 horsies…black on black…manual trans…woohoo. Bring it lol. Exactly what I always wanted. 😀

Coming up on 4 months…feels like 10 lol. Step 4 starting…and it’s gonna be some interesting work. Sponsor says I better be ready…so this should be interesting.

Rock on.

And…i’m jobless lol

Well. Saw it coming. But didn’t see it coming this fast lol. They decided to start chopping heads this week. I was let go on a Monday morning. Zero communication took place to my 80 team members. My directors didn’t know wtf to do. Everyone running around freaking out. Well played new company. Excellent work lmao.

I cannot help but just be so stumped as to why shit wasn’t done differently. It could have been so easy for everyone. I would have been happy to cooperate, work 1-2 weeks to help talk with my departments, at least try to make them feel a little more at ease. Just nuts. Why make chaos when it is completely necessary? I just don’t get it. I did nothing but rock the hell out of my job the last 2 1/2 years and build a team that just kicked ass. Hired great leaders. Changed everything. Morale was awesome. Turn-over was non-existent. Just baffles me how minds think sometimes. And…I can say with 100% confidence this had nothing to do with drinking! woohoo!! lol

But…decent severance…so whatever. Onward. But I’m somebody that just ‘needs to know’ so it’s making me crazy. but i’ll get over it. blah.

Market semi-decent now – so I’m hopeful. Looking promising and the sooner I find something the sooner I get double paid 🙂 so that’s a plus.

Onto the next journey!

onward

2 Months Strong

Depressed about not getting a position I thought I was a shoe-in for…after 4 interviews and a perfect fit…but must not have been meant to be. Blah. But happy for a 2 month anniversary and still going strong. Can only complain a little I guess. Fuck them. Their loss lol.

I’ll leave you with my current view. 😀

Fuck this Funk

So sick of being in a funk the last few weeks. Fucking sucks. From work to home to kids to friends to relatives. Blah. Wtf. Just feel like I’ve been in a haze for 2-3 weeks and my brain is 50% off in space thinking about all the shit going on. It’s making me nuts and it’s showing. I’ve had numerous people asking “what’s wrong” and i just want to say fuck off lol.  

Weird. Zero urge to drink which is great. Just want to be in a better mood. Can’t figure it out. Think it’s just stress with job changes and unsure of future and waiting on new opportunity…stuff. Dunno.

Fell off no carb wagon though which has me a little concerned because I like fell head first off and devoured the carbs this weekend like they were life saving lol. But back on today so we’lol see. I’ve been so good but only half way to the weight I wanna lose so I’ll hopefully get back on track.

Pointless post bitching about the funk I’m in but if you have an issue with that fuck you lmao.

Long Road Ahead…

Sometimes this road feels reeaaalllyyyyy fuuuucccckkkkiiiinnngggg long. After a long week of meeting with the new company taking ours over…that is very obvious. They don’t want our people. They want our market share. Sitting with the group of upper management after meeting with the new company for a day was eye-opening. All look like we’ve been deflated. And how sad. Such an amazing talented group. The amount of effort we’ve put in and the large number of things we’ve accomplished in the last 3 years is amazing. And for what. So our lazy CEO can make his millions and bail out because everyone has lost complete faith in him? How is that possible. How is it that the most talented people that have turned this company around are the ones that now sit in wonder about their next steps? It’s bullshit. It makes no sense and it makes me very angry.

These are friends. Strong leaders. Amazing people. The ones that all ‘run’ this company and try and keep the CEO out of the spotlight so he doesn’t do anything stupid. It’s humorous. I’d love to take this group and start a successful company, because I know we could. But nobody has the funds and wants to take the risk. It’s tough when you’re middle-aged with kids and some are single income like me. Taking a crazy risk…while very intriguing…is just too damn risky. I’m glad I have a new opportunity that fell into my lap a few weeks ago, but I’d love to continue with this group if I could. I have so much faith in them and have seen what we have accomplished. It sucks.

Onto the drinking…blah. Well, still ‘fine’ lol. Still sober. Still haven’t had a drink. But I have to say that being around friends and family as well as some very old friends from high school during this 4th of July was tough. Friends I would normally always enjoy a bunch of beers with and hang out. Seeing me sip my seltzer water and Diet Pepsi. My one buddy was like “you not drinking now” and I mumbled something like “no, not right now, watching what I’m eating and not drinking”…and it was fine. But I’m sure was interesting for him to see. But whatever. My bro-in-law had some nice things to say to me when I had some time with him alone. He just said he was proud of me and I appreciate it. Felt sort of strange in a way talking to him about it, but I appreciated he made the effort.

This vacation for the 4th with my family was one that really sort of hit home. Just made me realize again how long a road I have in front of me. I’m ok with it but fuck. Sometimes it’s just something that hits you in the face with a huge slap. I’m 45. I have 1/2 my life left…and it will be a life without ever sipping an amazing taste of a new odd micro-brew, enjoying some crazy ass tequila my father bought with a nice cigar, a fun concoction to sip while floating in the pool. Ugh. It sucks. And I say that not as the crazy addict, I say it out of my love of the flavors. I have 2 sides of my drinking. There is the stupid fuck that says oh boy, everyone is asleep, let’s start a movie and see how much vodka I can drink…then there’s the side that says omg i love sipping amazing tequila because I love the flavor, a single barrel scotch ugh, or trying all sorts of different hoppy beers because I love trying the different tastes…that’s what sucks. Why on earth I can’t fucking have 1 and not the other! Fuck me. It’s depressing and just pisses me off. I miss that side but not the other. But I know I cannot seem to have 1 WITHOUT the other creeping back into my life. Stupid fucking turd. I suck. My brain sucks.

Sort of excited to get back home from vacation from the 4th and figure out next steps and reality with work and my future. Scary and stressful but I want to know. My fear right now is I will have to make a decision on the new opportunity before knowing for sure what my future at the job I love is. While it looks very grim right now with the new take-over…part of me is scared shitless something could change, perhaps they will keep my boss/CIO around and he WILL be able to make some changes and we ‘do’ have a future for growing with this new company. But all signs right now point to no. They are all about bottom line, do not want to do ANYTHING that costs money and they don’t want to invest in the technology. If they don’t want to invest in the technology then I’m done. It feels like 2.5 years ago when I started here. They were in “keep the wheels barely on and make money” mode…fuck that. It’s useless to me. I just don’t see a CEO of a US publicly traded company changing his ways. No way. And my boss is overly optimistic…but I cannot get there. And I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

We’ll see…here’s a representation of the long road ahead…I took it yesterday while walking the dogs 🙂

IMG_0037

I Have a Sponsor … Woohoo

Well…after waiting and taking my time a bit on being comfortable with someone I finally met with and hooked up with a sponsor.  Anxious to chat regularly with him and work the steps with him. 

Still chugging along (not best term I guess) and doing well.  1 month coin and feeling healthy and confident.  But not comfortable lol. I won’t let that feeling creep in. I’m fucked when it does. Doing daily meetings and almost without missing and I realize that is what keeps me going with this. That daily reminder is needed every day and it starts my day the way it needs to start. Looking back on 2 years ago that was where I failed. Got confident and feeling like I have everything in my control which is a fucking joke. I cannot control alcohol and that is the most important thing I need to remind myself every single day. Nothing about it can be controlled other than to not drink.

Going back over step 1 again with sponsor so I’ve now regressed back to step 1 for the third time lol. But this is ok and it’s the most important to embed in my brain so bring it. 👍

Glad to feel good. Glad to be sober. Glad to feel healthy and normal in the morning. Amazing how my brain works at the office when I’m not exhausted and out of it lol. What a concept.

Struggling a bit with the next week. Going to be dealing with some executive level outings with work and first pass since I’ve really officially stopped drinking. I’ve done it before I guess a bit but I would occasionally have one etc. and so this may feel a little different. But for now I’m going with I’m eating healthy and not drinking which is ok since I’ve lost a bunch of weight. We’ll see. My boss is taking a small group out for a fun celebration night so that will be an interesting evening. We will see.

1 Month

Well. 1 Month. Doesn’t feel like much even though I should feel proud…pat myself on the back. Blah. But I don’t. I’ve done this before. Gone months before after my first crash and burn, so it just doesn’t feel ‘wonderful’. And it’s hard to feel good when it’s been years of shit.

I have a temp sponsor right now as I find a full-time sponsor. Mike has been cool enough to work with me even though I believe his sponsor told him he should stick to himself right now. He wanted to at least help a little, so on this Father’s Day he said he would speak to me a little after the meeting. He recommended I read “The Doctor’s Opinion” and “More About Alcoholics” and “Step 1” from 12 and 12.

I have read the first one already, and just read it again. This reading is interesting because it explains alcoholism as almost an allergy…which is an interesting concept. An allergy that causes an a’s mind to operate differently than others when exposed to alcohol. I completely agree with this and have felt it numerous times. I even wondered if I was some sort of diabetic that had weird reactions to the point of low blood sugar or something and felt as though at times I have experienced a type of diabetic coma in the past. A weird sensation where even nights I didn’t drink (what I would consider…) mass amounts, still had a black-out type of weird experience that troubled me. I’ve felt this since I was 20 years old…which is sort of scary. Even though I can honestly probably say this was simply due to drinking way too much…it always “felt” different, like it must be something a bit different than what my other friends were experiencing in college. That point of just being so oblivious and out of my mind…but just wanting to drink more…and drink faster. It scared me even 25 years ago. I think I have honestly known I was an alcoholic since I was probably about 20 years old. That freaks me out a bit, but is somewhat refreshing to agree with now finally and accept.

Feeling as though I’m “wired differently” is an acceptable thing now. I KNOW I cannot drink. I’m a fucking idiot. I cannot just try to drink beer…occasional wine…stay away from the hard stuff…only drink controlled when I’m with my wife and see how that goes. It’s useless. As am I when I drink. This time back at AA is different. I don’t think I’ve ever accepted the fact ‘truly’ until this time that I cannot ever drink again. I think I even went to meetings last time with the thoughts that it would simply help me gain some type of control with my drinking but not ‘truly’ stop…even though I sort of said that was my intent last time. I cannot drink. And I AM completely great with that belief now. It is a fact. It is not just a way to control anymore. It is a complete admission that I must never drink again. Period. And that scares the fuck out of me, but I believe it. It scares me because at times it seems like being half way only through my life and expecting to live another 1/2 without ever drinking seems like such a tall order…even though I know I can’t. I’m not saying I don’t believe this is what it should be, it’s just the realization that I will face shit that is very hard the rest of my life and experience circumstances where I’m tempted and to abstain for 45+ years is going to be hard. I can only hope that with each year it gets easier. I see people that relapse after 10-20+ years and I’m just like wtf. After that many years how the fuck does this happen??? That scares me.

But…most important, I have completely accepted that I am powerless over alcohol and that it has made my life uncontrollable when it is part of it. It cannot be a part of my life, and I feel good admitting and saying that. As I named this blog…I AM finally ready and I AM willing to accept this.

In reading “More About Alcoholics” really 1 single thing comes out of it. I cannot have that “first drink” – it is deadly and would suck me right back in. Stay away from that first drink no matter what happens. It cannot happen. Hearing the story of people 25 years sober suddenly falling off the wagon is the evidence of that. Finding that spiritual remedy was the key to keeping from that first drink. Really this chapter just shows the simple fact that I am an alcoholic for life and must accept that, realize it every day and most importantly LET IT SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF ME. That is just a fact. It will always be there haunting me. Hiding. Waiting for that moment where it sneaks out and says…”yeah, just one…cmon”. And it does scare me. A lot. So I must always respect it and be afraid of it. Always.

Step 1 in 12 & 12 says similar things. Just realizing that I am defeated. And I am. And I am ok with that. I must accept defeat and realize it and the fact that I NEED external help to get through it. I need some sort of higher power. Some sort of alternate approach because I CANNOT DO IT ON MY OWN. And I realize this. And I do accept it fully.

Mike asked me to do some other homework today and wanted to chat about it. The first thing he asked me to do is jot down a list of any examples where I can prove to myself it is unmanageable and not in my control. Ways it has impacted my life and my work and my family, etc. So…let’s start a bullet list – this should be an interesting thing…

  • Black-outs my Junior and Senior year in highschool when drinking. Something I don’t really recall my buddies experiencing back then. Shit, I had just started drinking…how was this normal. Passing out on a couch in my friend’s basement, then waking up to go to the bathroom…unable to find it…walking over to my friend’s TV and peeing on it because I was so out of it and not knowing where I was.
  • Another high-school or perhaps early college home, waking up and walking into my parent’s bedroom and peeing in their closet thinking it was the bathroom and not remembering.
  • My father telling me he found me passed out on the floor of the bathroom half naked when I was probably a Freshman in college home for the summer and getting me back to bed.
  • Falling out of my loft bed in college trying to get to the bathroom and having a scar on my chin to this day because I took such a bad fall.
  • DUI in college driving home from a bar
  • Home from college on a normal weekend and drinking almost a case of beer by myself in the basement while hacking away at the old PC. My father coming down Sunday morning to grab a few beers for his buddies for after tennis and seeing that it was almost gone and thinking ‘who the fuck drank all this’ since he had just bought it Friday. Me thinking to myself holy shit…I drank a case of beer in 1-2 nights…pretty easily without even thinking about it. And realizing even then that this wasn’t normal.
  • Countless times in college being mean to my (now) wife. I was nasty. I’d get drunk and tell her how she was a bitch and needs to stop bitching at me. She’d have to deal with it the remainder of the night until she could hear my apologies the next day. That realization from her recently that I’ve been an alcoholic since before we even got married. Hard to hear. But true.
  • Countless black-outs in college that occurred all the time. Not remembering who drove…then people telling me I drove home. Waking up with my wife not in bed with me in college, or in bed with me, not remembering anything in how I got there and the last several hours of the night and how much of an idiot I was.
  • Waking up in a wet bed after pissing myself in college and sneaking shit to the laundry or even later in life in the last 10-15 years a couple times finding this had happened.
  • Passing out with 2 tiny kids at home while my wife was at a concert – one of the first wake up calls I remember with my wife in later years. I always kept it hidden late at night, but chose to drink while she was gone at a concert and my 2 kids were asleep and I was clueless to the world.
  • My wife up on a ladder on the very top step (not supposed to do) while 6 months FUCKING PREGNANT because I was so drunk I could not do it. We had a battery bad in a smoke detector and we had to replace it. I couldn’t function, talk or even help. Holding the ladder for her, but instead passing out while standing while she balanced up above our 15 foot stairs on the top of a ladder trying to reach it because I was useless.
  • Throwing up on the way to work a couple times because my late night bender (which was the norm) went a little later than anticipated and I was still drunk going to work.
  • Remembering some mornings going to work where I should have turned back around because I was still half drunk.
  • Realizing there had to have been numerous times I was half drunk in the morning at work and my office HAD to smell like a fucking booze bottle. I think I hid it very well for a long time, but there HAD to be moments I stunk like booze. My trick was to stop by 12:30-1 and I’d usually be functional enough and fine…but abused this all too many times I’m sure.
  • “Working from home” days where I did in fact sneak during the day. This was more in the last 5 or so years as I got worse, but they did happen a handful of times even though I’ve never considered myself a day drinker.
  • Knowing where every bottle of hard liquor in the house was. Knowing which was water, which needed replacing, where empties were hidden, what I needed to swap out. I was a nighttime sneaker. I drank a ton at night on my own alone. Nobody really knew. The number of empties I replaced and snuck out in the trash got unimaginable. The amount was crazy. Looking back now I realize the magnitude which I never really accepted in the past. I had a routine. Scary. This is how I managed for so long secretly.
  • Going to my daughter’s banquet during the middle of the afternoon and just getting stinking drunk. Embarrassing her, scaring her in front of her friends. Her crying alone in the bathroom. Doing this in front of friends and their kids. This was what got me into AA the first time. I sort of realized it was bad, but hadn’t accepted it enough.
  • Stopping drinking for months (maybe 10? which is why 1 month doesn’t feel like shit) and thinking it was under control again. Then going out with my wife..thinking sure, why not a little with her..and completely crashing and getting shitfaced.
  • Realizing that got me back on the nighttime occasional drinking again, replacing, sneaking again. Falling right back into a rut.
  • Completely going on a bender for 3 nights over the top, skipping work on a Thursday, drinking all day Thursday to the point where my family thought I was having a stroke or something and knowing something was wrong. Driving hammered in a pair of shitty sorts, t-shirt and messed up hair to my son’s baseball game. Thank god my wife came and talked me into letting her drive me home…and that was what got me back in AA the final time 1 month ago.

There are many many more. But this is a handful. I’m a fucking idiot when I drink. I cannot drink. I cannot think I can control drinking because I continue to fail over and over and over again after having 1. I love drinking. I love the way it makes me feel at the time that I am doing it. Numb, careless, not stressed out, everything is fine now…ugh. But the results are far from that. Everything is fucked up now. Kids worried, wife ready to leave and hates what I’ve become. I hate what I’ve become. Just a sick fuck. And now I worry 1 or more of my kids might have this gene. I pray they don’t. And I will talk to them regularly now about it. I have shared with all of my loved ones, something I didn’t do last time, but did do this time, and it is refreshing to feel this. I love going to meetings, something I hated before. I love feeling good like I do now. Alert. Better at work. Down 15 pounds in my weight. Better at home. I just hope I can mend the shit stains I’ve left behind because there are a fucking lot of them.

Youd-be-suprised

 

Limbo

Well…weird day. Just back from a week away in another country, managed to turn down about 15 attempts by other people throwing drinks at me or being around freebies in every direction..including free all you can drink flight and lounge at hotel…and i’m a bit i don’t know…in limbo.

Why. I don’t know. I feel good. I’m down a bunch of weight because I started low carb prior to the crash which got me back at AA. And I’m loving meetings. Look forward to going to them. Don’t want to miss them in mornings. Have a totally different attitude this time like nothing i’ve felt in past. so all good…right??  lol

I don’t know. I should have a sponsor by now and I don’t. I feel like i’m getting into step 4 which really truly needs a sponsor based on other feedback from others. Maybe that’s all that’s really bugging me. I don’t know. I feel like since I haven’t been hitting this hard as hell to get these things figured out i’m coasting…and i don’t want to say ‘oh i was travelling for a week’ or ‘haven’t found the right sponsor yet’…blah blah. but honestly…it is sort of true lol. Being in another tiny country for a week did sidetrack me. And reading at least while i was gone, attempting aa-online.com (which was a waste of time lol) and completely keeping myself sober in a position i could have drank the entire time without anyone knowing…should impress me. so i guess it does a little bit. shit. i just cannot pat myself on the back at any step along the way. it is too much a reminder of where i was last time…how i made it i think around 10 months completely on my own (after starting with a handful of meetings) – i had it. under control. oh yeah. then crashed again.

i don’t know. just finding it hard to feel like i’m accomplishing shit when this measly month i’m coming up to is only a fraction of what i’ve done…and i’m doing everything differently.

well. guy i trust coming tomorrow and he said he had some thoughts on sponsors and he’d let me know what he thinks. i wanted him but his sponsor doesn’t think he should at this time yet, so i asked him if he had any ideas. we’ll see.

should feel good. and while i ‘sort of’ do…just not feeling like jumping for joy at this point…but…excited to be feeling good health wise and sober wise. tons of comments at work at how i look like a different person in a great way, and even though i know my face loses weight first, so i do look a lot different quickly…i have to believe a huge part of it is stopping the drinking. it ages you. and it just makes you look like shit a lot of the time.

anyway…onward. and looking forward to hopefully getting some ideas on sponsors tomorrow. rock on. 🙂

limbo_ps4