Happy New Year!

7+ months now. Going strong. t meeting here on New Years Day. Figured it’d be a good start to the year lol. Not frequenting enough but still trying to get here 3-4 times a week which seems semi stable for now lol. Hope everyone has a great New Year!

Quiet but OK


Well. I’ve been a turd and very quiet and told myself I wouldn’t do that on my journal. But I’ve been busy as fuck. Jobless looking for work is stressful and a more than full time job. I’m happy to say that after only about 5 weeks I landed one. Woohoo! And at my level (not to sound like a complete fucking lamo…but seriously) this can be a very long process. I networked and did everything possible this time and I have to say that being sober this time helps a wee bit to say the least.

Psyched as hell with new company. New market space outside of healthcare and a small growing profitable company who want me to build up a complete new team. Should be a blast and I love everyone I’ve met so far. Start Monday and cannot wait. Beginning with 12 hours of leadership meetings and presenting on my first day lmao. Should be fun. No pressure lol.

Coming up on 4 months. Feeling good overall. No urges to drink at all which is so cool. Marriage rocky but hot and cold. Some great days some horrible days. I’m moody as fuck and cannot seem to work around that. Think no carb diet is adding fuel to an already blazing fire…not sure. Bit my sons head off yesterday and need to settle the fuck down, he’s such a sweet little dude. Over something g stupid to and I need to fix that shit.

After 15 years of wanting a particular make and model of car…I finally had my true mid life crisis and bought it lol. Had a few bucks from severance and overlapping salaries and found an incredible deal so I said fuck it. 9 year old car with only 30k miles on it and mint condition. I had to just say the hell with it. And it’s fun as hell and I’m glad I did lol. 420 horsies…black on black…manual trans…woohoo. Bring it lol. Exactly what I always wanted. 😀

Coming up on 4 months…feels like 10 lol. Step 4 starting…and it’s gonna be some interesting work. Sponsor says I better be ready…so this should be interesting.

Rock on.

And…i’m jobless lol

Well. Saw it coming. But didn’t see it coming this fast lol. They decided to start chopping heads this week. I was let go on a Monday morning. Zero communication took place to my 80 team members. My directors didn’t know wtf to do. Everyone running around freaking out. Well played new company. Excellent work lmao.

I cannot help but just be so stumped as to why shit wasn’t done differently. It could have been so easy for everyone. I would have been happy to cooperate, work 1-2 weeks to help talk with my departments, at least try to make them feel a little more at ease. Just nuts. Why make chaos when it is completely necessary? I just don’t get it. I did nothing but rock the hell out of my job the last 2 1/2 years and build a team that just kicked ass. Hired great leaders. Changed everything. Morale was awesome. Turn-over was non-existent. Just baffles me how minds think sometimes. And…I can say with 100% confidence this had nothing to do with drinking! woohoo!! lol

But…decent severance…so whatever. Onward. But I’m somebody that just ‘needs to know’ so it’s making me crazy. but i’ll get over it. blah.

Market semi-decent now – so I’m hopeful. Looking promising and the sooner I find something the sooner I get double paid 🙂 so that’s a plus.

Onto the next journey!

onward

2 Months Strong

Depressed about not getting a position I thought I was a shoe-in for…after 4 interviews and a perfect fit…but must not have been meant to be. Blah. But happy for a 2 month anniversary and still going strong. Can only complain a little I guess. Fuck them. Their loss lol.

I’ll leave you with my current view. 😀

Fuck this Funk

So sick of being in a funk the last few weeks. Fucking sucks. From work to home to kids to friends to relatives. Blah. Wtf. Just feel like I’ve been in a haze for 2-3 weeks and my brain is 50% off in space thinking about all the shit going on. It’s making me nuts and it’s showing. I’ve had numerous people asking “what’s wrong” and i just want to say fuck off lol.  

Weird. Zero urge to drink which is great. Just want to be in a better mood. Can’t figure it out. Think it’s just stress with job changes and unsure of future and waiting on new opportunity…stuff. Dunno.

Fell off no carb wagon though which has me a little concerned because I like fell head first off and devoured the carbs this weekend like they were life saving lol. But back on today so we’lol see. I’ve been so good but only half way to the weight I wanna lose so I’ll hopefully get back on track.

Pointless post bitching about the funk I’m in but if you have an issue with that fuck you lmao.

Long Road Ahead…

Sometimes this road feels reeaaalllyyyyy fuuuucccckkkkiiiinnngggg long. After a long week of meeting with the new company taking ours over…that is very obvious. They don’t want our people. They want our market share. Sitting with the group of upper management after meeting with the new company for a day was eye-opening. All look like we’ve been deflated. And how sad. Such an amazing talented group. The amount of effort we’ve put in and the large number of things we’ve accomplished in the last 3 years is amazing. And for what. So our lazy CEO can make his millions and bail out because everyone has lost complete faith in him? How is that possible. How is it that the most talented people that have turned this company around are the ones that now sit in wonder about their next steps? It’s bullshit. It makes no sense and it makes me very angry.

These are friends. Strong leaders. Amazing people. The ones that all ‘run’ this company and try and keep the CEO out of the spotlight so he doesn’t do anything stupid. It’s humorous. I’d love to take this group and start a successful company, because I know we could. But nobody has the funds and wants to take the risk. It’s tough when you’re middle-aged with kids and some are single income like me. Taking a crazy risk…while very intriguing…is just too damn risky. I’m glad I have a new opportunity that fell into my lap a few weeks ago, but I’d love to continue with this group if I could. I have so much faith in them and have seen what we have accomplished. It sucks.

Onto the drinking…blah. Well, still ‘fine’ lol. Still sober. Still haven’t had a drink. But I have to say that being around friends and family as well as some very old friends from high school during this 4th of July was tough. Friends I would normally always enjoy a bunch of beers with and hang out. Seeing me sip my seltzer water and Diet Pepsi. My one buddy was like “you not drinking now” and I mumbled something like “no, not right now, watching what I’m eating and not drinking”…and it was fine. But I’m sure was interesting for him to see. But whatever. My bro-in-law had some nice things to say to me when I had some time with him alone. He just said he was proud of me and I appreciate it. Felt sort of strange in a way talking to him about it, but I appreciated he made the effort.

This vacation for the 4th with my family was one that really sort of hit home. Just made me realize again how long a road I have in front of me. I’m ok with it but fuck. Sometimes it’s just something that hits you in the face with a huge slap. I’m 45. I have 1/2 my life left…and it will be a life without ever sipping an amazing taste of a new odd micro-brew, enjoying some crazy ass tequila my father bought with a nice cigar, a fun concoction to sip while floating in the pool. Ugh. It sucks. And I say that not as the crazy addict, I say it out of my love of the flavors. I have 2 sides of my drinking. There is the stupid fuck that says oh boy, everyone is asleep, let’s start a movie and see how much vodka I can drink…then there’s the side that says omg i love sipping amazing tequila because I love the flavor, a single barrel scotch ugh, or trying all sorts of different hoppy beers because I love trying the different tastes…that’s what sucks. Why on earth I can’t fucking have 1 and not the other! Fuck me. It’s depressing and just pisses me off. I miss that side but not the other. But I know I cannot seem to have 1 WITHOUT the other creeping back into my life. Stupid fucking turd. I suck. My brain sucks.

Sort of excited to get back home from vacation from the 4th and figure out next steps and reality with work and my future. Scary and stressful but I want to know. My fear right now is I will have to make a decision on the new opportunity before knowing for sure what my future at the job I love is. While it looks very grim right now with the new take-over…part of me is scared shitless something could change, perhaps they will keep my boss/CIO around and he WILL be able to make some changes and we ‘do’ have a future for growing with this new company. But all signs right now point to no. They are all about bottom line, do not want to do ANYTHING that costs money and they don’t want to invest in the technology. If they don’t want to invest in the technology then I’m done. It feels like 2.5 years ago when I started here. They were in “keep the wheels barely on and make money” mode…fuck that. It’s useless to me. I just don’t see a CEO of a US publicly traded company changing his ways. No way. And my boss is overly optimistic…but I cannot get there. And I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

We’ll see…here’s a representation of the long road ahead…I took it yesterday while walking the dogs 🙂

IMG_0037

I Have a Sponsor … Woohoo

Well…after waiting and taking my time a bit on being comfortable with someone I finally met with and hooked up with a sponsor.  Anxious to chat regularly with him and work the steps with him. 

Still chugging along (not best term I guess) and doing well.  1 month coin and feeling healthy and confident.  But not comfortable lol. I won’t let that feeling creep in. I’m fucked when it does. Doing daily meetings and almost without missing and I realize that is what keeps me going with this. That daily reminder is needed every day and it starts my day the way it needs to start. Looking back on 2 years ago that was where I failed. Got confident and feeling like I have everything in my control which is a fucking joke. I cannot control alcohol and that is the most important thing I need to remind myself every single day. Nothing about it can be controlled other than to not drink.

Going back over step 1 again with sponsor so I’ve now regressed back to step 1 for the third time lol. But this is ok and it’s the most important to embed in my brain so bring it. 👍

Glad to feel good. Glad to be sober. Glad to feel healthy and normal in the morning. Amazing how my brain works at the office when I’m not exhausted and out of it lol. What a concept.

Struggling a bit with the next week. Going to be dealing with some executive level outings with work and first pass since I’ve really officially stopped drinking. I’ve done it before I guess a bit but I would occasionally have one etc. and so this may feel a little different. But for now I’m going with I’m eating healthy and not drinking which is ok since I’ve lost a bunch of weight. We’ll see. My boss is taking a small group out for a fun celebration night so that will be an interesting evening. We will see.