Limbo

Well…weird day. Just back from a week away in another country, managed to turn down about 15 attempts by other people throwing drinks at me or being around freebies in every direction..including free all you can drink flight and lounge at hotel…and i’m a bit i don’t know…in limbo.

Why. I don’t know. I feel good. I’m down a bunch of weight because I started low carb prior to the crash which got me back at AA. And I’m loving meetings. Look forward to going to them. Don’t want to miss them in mornings. Have a totally different attitude this time like nothing i’ve felt in past. so all good…right??  lol

I don’t know. I should have a sponsor by now and I don’t. I feel like i’m getting into step 4 which really truly needs a sponsor based on other feedback from others. Maybe that’s all that’s really bugging me. I don’t know. I feel like since I haven’t been hitting this hard as hell to get these things figured out i’m coasting…and i don’t want to say ‘oh i was travelling for a week’ or ‘haven’t found the right sponsor yet’…blah blah. but honestly…it is sort of true lol. Being in another tiny country for a week did sidetrack me. And reading at least while i was gone, attempting aa-online.com (which was a waste of time lol) and completely keeping myself sober in a position i could have drank the entire time without anyone knowing…should impress me. so i guess it does a little bit. shit. i just cannot pat myself on the back at any step along the way. it is too much a reminder of where i was last time…how i made it i think around 10 months completely on my own (after starting with a handful of meetings) – i had it. under control. oh yeah. then crashed again.

i don’t know. just finding it hard to feel like i’m accomplishing shit when this measly month i’m coming up to is only a fraction of what i’ve done…and i’m doing everything differently.

well. guy i trust coming tomorrow and he said he had some thoughts on sponsors and he’d let me know what he thinks. i wanted him but his sponsor doesn’t think he should at this time yet, so i asked him if he had any ideas. we’ll see.

should feel good. and while i ‘sort of’ do…just not feeling like jumping for joy at this point…but…excited to be feeling good health wise and sober wise. tons of comments at work at how i look like a different person in a great way, and even though i know my face loses weight first, so i do look a lot different quickly…i have to believe a huge part of it is stopping the drinking. it ages you. and it just makes you look like shit a lot of the time.

anyway…onward. and looking forward to hopefully getting some ideas on sponsors tomorrow. rock on. 🙂

limbo_ps4

Day 20 – No I don’t want any ракија lol

Interesting traveling to another country and visiting a group of 30 employees who are normally all used to hanging late with you and partying when you visit. Went with the ‘eating well and not drinking right now’ which is fine for now and all they need since 1. they all report up to several of my directors and managers and I don’t need chatter around the office and 2. I’ve lost about 15 pounds already and quite a few noticed, so it seems pretty legit.

Ah … ракија or Rakia (in English) that they all are proud of and love to share here and turned them down with a smile. I’ve even gotten the “even 1?” or “just one glass of wine with your dinner?” lol – but I’m fine.

I tried aa-online this week and was very disappointed. The chat room is always up, but they have “organized” meetings – hah. Nothing at all. Just more people show up for chatting. It was a complete bust, which was a bummer because I really thought I’d have a chance with it out here to give me ‘some’ type of outlet. But oh well, just need to deal with it. I’m busy enough so it’s been fine so far. And the jet lag gives me reasons to be tired and getting shit done at the hotel anyway so oh well.

Home seems ok but stressful wife and busy. Kids just out of school so they’re all running all over the place and my wife has turned back into a full time driver lol. She seems ok. Antsy to get home this time and can’t wait to head back Friday morning. Very anxious to get back to a meeting Saturday morning as well and see the gang and tell them I was successful. Feel good that I’m really not itching too much to party. It has been a ‘little’ tough, but really not bad overall at all. Pleased at the will power so far to just avoid it. Couple days left, but I’m confident they’ll be no issues.

On to step 4! Start my list of personal inventory…whatever that really means lol. Got the 12 step add-on book before I left and was anxious to read it until I realized my co-worker that traveled with me ended up in the seat next to me lol – oops.

2 more days of meetings and I know we’ll have 1 big night out before we leave, but should not be an issue since they all realize I’m not drinking. Day 20. Here we go.  🙂

tikves-lozova-rakija-zolta-brandy-macedonian-republic-10497754

 

Day 15 – Yesterday sucked

Rough day yesterday. Started with me sitting outside meeting in car for 30 fucking minutes arguing with my wife over text messages. Brilliant. Very productive. Said nobody…ever. 

It sucked. I was angry. Defensive. Barely remember the trigger other than something I said the night before making my wife think I was being an asshole. Something stupid. Misunderstanding. Shit. Who knows, maybe I was a dick without knowing it. But in any case it dragged to the next morning for dumb reasons. Then the nails came out. Horrible things said to me. Years of anger loaded into a few piercing bullets and it sucked. 

For the first time in 2 weeks I didn’t want to go into my meeting. The anger and shit I was feeling consumed me. I realized that the feelings I was feeling yesterday morning are the very feelings that make me want to run away and hide. Shut down. Do something to clear my mind. Drink. And that was weird. How something so quick can be so intense. Make me feel shit again. Crazy. I then walked into the 2nd half of the meeting and joined a group and shared and talked about how pissed off I was. I left the meeting feeling a little better. Then found an apology on my phone from my wife when I got back into my car. 

Point is I was aware. I realized what was happening and did something a little different. Not earth shattering…but something. And I need to realize that at least. 

Today is better. Feel good. Ready to let go on step 3 after listening to a good chapter from BB on way into office and I think I’m good. I’m OK letting go and am now telling myself I am. Weird for me but whatever. Worth it and I know I want it. 

Leave for out of town Sunday. Sort of freaking out about that but I think I’m ok with it. Going to try to do online meetings every day and take it one day at a time. 

Another day another step in the right direction of realization of myself and where I’m at. Rock on. 

Day 13 – Lots to be Thankful for

Well today is a decent day. I watched my daughter last night in awe. I sat at a graduation dinner and awards banquet for 8th grade. I watched her walk up to receive an award for probably 75% of the items they were giving awards for. I honestly think she received more awards than anyone. And it amazes me. I look at her and I’m just amazed. But my fear is I see her pain sometimes and drive and hardness on herself and it scares the shit out of me. As Ben Folds says in “Still Fighting It” … “and you’re so much…like me…I’m sorry”.  What an amazing line. Because you watch your children and realize all the pain and hard times they are going to go through like you. And my daughter stands out to me. Because her inner wiring reminds me of myself sometimes. She’s so hard on herself. She’s her worst enemy. What an amazing child. 

Makes me realize how much I have to be thankful for. Amazing 3 kids who are so different. So special in their own way. And I’m gonna risk fucking that up because I don’t know how to drink. Seriously? Wtf am I. How can this even be an option. How can I risk not being part of their everyday success and failures and pain and growth and learning and becoming young adults. How? Jesus. I feel like for 10 years I’ve been in a fog and while experiencing a ton of it, I was not all there. It makes me angry. And I feel stupid. Pissed me off. 

Meetings have been great. I’m feeling awesome going every morning and wanna go. What a change. But as I say…I start to feel good and it freaks the shit outta me. I need to always have a little knife in my back just poking me a tiny bit and making me feel uncomfortable. Making me think every day about the fact that I’m wired like a not normal person and that alcohol short circuits that special balance of crap in my brain. I don’t have a choice. I need to be always ok that I’m done. 

Making progress I step 3 woohoo. Listened to chapter 4 (I think 4…) yesterday and it talks about atheism and agnostics. While I’m neither, I’ve discussed I’m having trouble letting go and surrendering to God or whatever that higher “thing” in my brain is. The points I took away are just getting to that point where I AM comfortable with “something”. I do believe in God. I believe in a higher power , and something much better than my little insignificant self. I do. I now just need to work on letting go and surrendering to that power and letting it guide me. And that I’ll continue to work on. 😁

Day 11 – Good Day

Fun Day. Good meeting this morning with a huge crowd showing up on Memorial Day. New guy in our group today that was no day 2. Seems like he wants to do it, but looking at him, listening to him…I see me 2 years ago. I feel like he’s not quite there yet. Yeah, easy for me to view/judge, but I don’t mean it in a bad way. Seemed like he’s just not mentally there yet. I hope for the best with him though, seems like a good guy.

Busy day today with a bunch of other families at the horse races. Lot of fun. No urge to drink and didn’t even really think about it which was great. Wife thought I was a little distant with some of the other guys I typically hang with, but I don’t ‘think’ I was? But made me think about it a bit. I was so busy running around with my kids, I didn’t really think about it. At one point she asked me if gambling was now my addiction…lol. Lovely. But even that made me think lol.

Thought about step 3 today. Dunno why, but I’m still struggling. To say I’m turning over control of my life to God is just…I don’t know. Still just making me squirm. Can’t make myself feel comfortable with this, and I guess more I can’t understand ‘how’ to do this. What does it mean. What do I do to officially ‘do’ this. Gonna talk more with group this week so I don’t continue to spin my wheels on 3 lol.

Good day. Family in a good place. Dreading going back to work tomorrow. Ugh.

Day 10 – double digits

Busy day today, early morning to meeting and good day overall. Got a lot of crap done around house. Kids all in good spirits. Busy day tomorrow taking a huge group to the horse track which is always fun. Feels good to be busy and productive.

Today’s meeting started off with the topic of change and how much we all go through change. Good discussions and we went 30 minutes over which surprised me since it didn’t feel like it. My number 1 take-away from today…an older woman who was so sweet. She went after me and heard my story for the first time. Today I focused on healing the family right now, etc. I had mentioned that i was in here 2 years ago earlier but failed. When she started off her turn to share, she stopped and looked right at me with teary and such sincere eyes and simply said “I am so happy that you made it back here” and smiled. I don’t know what it was but it literally hit me like a ton of bricks.

Anyway. Good day. Can’t complain. Things headed in good directions. Still uncomfortable as fuck (good thing) and still scared. Also good. Need to keep it in my brain all the time and be aware of it to stay ahead of it. 🙂

Day 9 – Decent quick meeting on a Saturday

All new faces today. Gave my story and talked about being defensive and pissy and how I need to keep working on that. Topic today was step 10 which I’m not quite there yet but informative. 

Talked about being able to accept compliments and people supporting you and not getting defensive. I tie this into my personality of always getting defensive when anything is brought up to me. 

Good day so far. Feel ok. Aware. One day at a time. 

Day 8 – Good meeting but tough

Couldn’t keep my shit together today but talked about last night a lot. Wife in a little better place this morning. Kids overheard our discussions last night so talking with them more tonight about it. Daughter not wanting to open up with me which is hard. She’s just like me. But seems ok to open up to my wife which is great. Hopefully today will continue to get a little better. It’s Friday at least. Busy weekend ahead and more discussions with kids. 

Need to keep the heat off my wife. Seems like kids feel like she’s overreacting but they don’t understand the 20 years of shit she’s uncovering in her brain which is hard. They need to realize it’s me not her. I need the help not her. It’s me that’s done this shit and had the disease. Me. 

Sucks but hopeful. Glad to have a good meeting and better morning. 

Something my wife said last night caught me off guard. I talk about controlling everything in my life except for this and she said she doesn’t feel like that at all lol. It was a bit of a shock but as I thought more about it I think she’s sort of right lol. 

Perhaps me thinking and saying I have everything else in my life under control is part of me being a blind idiot. Perhaps by me saying I have control of everything else is my way of feeling like I do even though this lie has actually blinded me from realizing the fact that I do not. And that I do not have control of a lot more than just drinking. And I guess I don’t lol. Perhaps this is part of me being out of control but wanting to think I am. 😮

Still struggling with step 3 but working my way through understanding it. Bigger step than I originally thought. Realizing I truly have not been close at all to God or a higher power. I am struggling with letting it go to a higher power because I feel like I’m at a loss for what that higher power is. I accepted step 2 and know that I cannot do it on my own, but understanding what that higher power is causes me to struggle a bit. Catholic all my life but feeling close to my religion at all right now. It’s weird to me. 

Questioning Everything

Rough night. Wife is just done. Reliving every sign now from the last twenty years and hating me more by the minute. And I don’t blame her. My issue though is whenever she starts bringing up all the old shit I get pissed off. We end up arguing and it goes nowhere. Reliving the lies. All the random incidents over the years she remembers that were signs. Why she was so stupid to not realize it. How she let herself get into this situation. Rethinking if the last twenty years and raising a family were even worth it. And I just get pissed off. I don’t know why. And it is harder for me because this pushes me back into not caring like it’s not worth it. I’m angry because she’s angry. And I find myself getting pissed at her and defensive because well I don’t know why honestly. It’s not fair to, I agree with her, but I just keep showing her I’m not sorry by getting frustrated. And I know it’s not fair. I know it shows I don’t give a shit, but I agree with her even though I can’t show it. 

I’m not thinking about drinking or being stupid which is the one thing I have going for me but it makes it hard to be confident I will stop this time. Hearing over and over the times I’ve failed digs into me and makes me lose the hope I have this time. 

Now she’s digging around in Google and nothing is good. AA is a cult and full of people that just sneak away so they can drink. Full of manipulating people starving for attention and feeling powerful with vulnerable people. This is not at all how I feel and honestly, going daily is the only thing that feels right for me right now. It makes me think daily about my problem. Makes me not get comfortable. Makes me not want to stop thinking about my problem. Keep it fresh in my brain. This is my personal thing I’ve failed at in past and getting sucked back into daily life without thinking about it. Went to a handful of meetings years ago and I was all good again.  Until next time I drank. 

Dunno. This is the worst place I have ever seen her in. She hates me right now and there is so much shit built up I just don’t know where she’ll end up. The more she thinks and talks about it the more angry and hateful she is at me. Don’t know how to fix that. 

All I can do is keep going to meetings, keep writing and keep it fresh in my head. Remind myself every day I cannot drink and I can never feel like I have it in control. Ever. 

Gotta stop getting pissed off at her when she’s getting pissed. She’s more than earned the right but I cannot control my defensiveness and bitterness. Need to figure out how. But need to fix myself too. Sucks. 

Kids I know we’re listening tonight and my oldest texting me wondering what’s going on. I just said she’s got 20 years of anger which she has every right to and we have to work through it and just told him I’m sorry. But sorry doesn’t mean as much anymore. That’s what’s hard. 

Hearing my wife ask me how long someone should have to put up with this shit and I don’t have an answer. I feel like 20 years of many many incredible memories are being just smothered by the shitty ones that are so shiny right now in light of my recent binge bringing everything back out again. 

Not much else to say. 1 day at a time but it’s hard not having any optimistic thoughts whatsoever. But no urge to drink so I’ll grasp at that.